xref: /haiku/data/system/data/fortunes/Tech Support Excuses

Tech support excuse #1:
clock speed
%
Tech support excuse #2:
solar flares
%
Tech support excuse #3:
electromagnetic radiation from satellite debris
%
Tech support excuse #4:
static from nylon underwear
%
Tech support excuse #5:
static from plastic slide rules
%
Tech support excuse #6:
global warming
%
Tech support excuse #7:
poor power conditioning
%
Tech support excuse #8:
static buildup
%
Tech support excuse #9:
doppler effect
%
Tech support excuse #10:
hardware stress fractures
%
Tech support excuse #11:
magnetic interferance from money/credit cards
%
Tech support excuse #12:
dry joints on cable plug
%
Tech support excuse #13:
we're waiting for [the phone company] to fix that line
%
Tech support excuse #14:
sounds like a Windows problem, try calling Microsoft support
%
Tech support excuse #15:
temporary routing anomoly
%
Tech support excuse #16:
somebody was calculating pi on the server
%
Tech support excuse #17:
fat electrons in the lines
%
Tech support excuse #18:
excess surge protection
%
Tech support excuse #19:
floating point processor overflow
%
Tech support excuse #20:
divide-by-zero error
%
Tech support excuse #21:
POSIX complience problem
%
Tech support excuse #22:
monitor resolution too high
%
Tech support excuse #23:
improperly oriented keyboard
%
Tech support excuse #24:
network packets travelling uphill (use a carrier pigeon)
%
Tech support excuse #25:
Decreasing electron flux
%
Tech support excuse #26:
first Saturday after first full moon in Winter
%
Tech support excuse #27:
radiosity depletion
%
Tech support excuse #28:
CPU radiator broken
%
Tech support excuse #29:
It works the way the Wang did, what's the problem
%
Tech support excuse #30:
positron router malfunction
%
Tech support excuse #31:
cellular telephone interference
%
Tech support excuse #32:
techtonic stress
%
Tech support excuse #33:
pizeo-electric interference
%
Tech support excuse #34:
(l)user error
%
Tech support excuse #35:
working as designed
%
Tech support excuse #36:
dynamic software linking table corrupted
%
Tech support excuse #37:
heavy gravity fluctuation, move computer to floor rapidly
%
Tech support excuse #38:
secretary plugged hairdryer into UPS
%
Tech support excuse #39:
terrorist activities
%
Tech support excuse #40:
not enough memory, go get system upgrade
%
Tech support excuse #41:
interrupt configuration error
%
Tech support excuse #42:
spaghetti cable cause packet failure
%
Tech support excuse #43:
boss forgot system password
%
Tech support excuse #44:
bank holiday - system operating credits  not recharged
%
Tech support excuse #45:
virus attack, luser responsible
%
Tech support excuse #46:
waste water tank overflowed onto computer
%
Tech support excuse #47:
Complete Transient Lockout
%
Tech support excuse #48:
bad ether in the cables
%
Tech support excuse #49:
Bogon emissions
%
Tech support excuse #50:
Change in Earth's rotational speed
%
Tech support excuse #51:
Cosmic ray particles crashed through the hard disk platter
%
Tech support excuse #52:
Smell from unhygenic janitorial staff wrecked the tape heads
%
Tech support excuse #53:
Little hamster in running wheel had coronary; waiting for replacement to be Fedexed from Wyoming
%
Tech support excuse #54:
Evil dogs hypnotized the night shift
%
Tech support excuse #55:
Plumber mistook routing panel for decorative wall fixture
%
Tech support excuse #56:
Electricians made popcorn in the power supply
%
Tech support excuse #57:
Groundskeepers stole the root password
%
Tech support excuse #58:
high pressure system failure
%
Tech support excuse #59:
failed trials, system needs redesigned
%
Tech support excuse #60:
system has been recalled
%
Tech support excuse #61:
not approved by the FCC
%
Tech support excuse #62:
need to wrap system in aluminum foil to fix problem
%
Tech support excuse #63:
not properly grounded, please bury computer
%
Tech support excuse #64:
CPU needs recalibration
%
Tech support excuse #65:
system needs to be rebooted
%
Tech support excuse #66:
bit bucket overflow
%
Tech support excuse #67:
descramble code needed from software company
%
Tech support excuse #68:
only available on a need to know basis
%
Tech support excuse #69:
knot in cables caused data stream to become twisted and kinked
%
Tech support excuse #70:
nesting roaches shorted out the ether cable
%
Tech support excuse #71:
The file system is full of it
%
Tech support excuse #72:
Satan did it
%
Tech support excuse #73:
Daemons did it
%
Tech support excuse #74:
You're out of memory
%
Tech support excuse #75:
There isn't any problem
%
Tech support excuse #76:
Unoptimized hard drive
%
Tech support excuse #77:
Typo in the code
%
Tech support excuse #78:
Yes, yes, its called a desgin limitation
%
Tech support excuse #79:
Look, buddy:  Windows 3.1 IS A General Protection Fault.
%
Tech support excuse #80:
That's a great computer you have there; have you considered how it would work as a BSD machine?
%
Tech support excuse #81:
Please excuse me, I have to circuit an AC line through my head to get this database working.
%
Tech support excuse #82:
Yeah, yo mama dresses you funny and you need a mouse to delete files.
%
Tech support excuse #83:
Support staff hung over, send aspirin and come back LATER.
%
Tech support excuse #84:
Someone is standing on the ethernet cable, causeing a kink in the cable
%
Tech support excuse #85:
Windows 95 undocumented "feature"
%
Tech support excuse #86:
Runt packets
%
Tech support excuse #87:
Password is too complex to decrypt
%
Tech support excuse #88:
Boss' kid screwed up the machine
%
Tech support excuse #89:
Electromagnetic energy loss
%
Tech support excuse #90:
Budget cuts
%
Tech support excuse #91:
Mouse chewed through power cable
%
Tech support excuse #92:
Stale file handle (next time use Tupperware(tm)!)
%
Tech support excuse #93:
Feature not yet implimented
%
Tech support excuse #94:
Internet outage
%
Tech support excuse #95:
Pentium FDIV bug
%
Tech support excuse #96:
Vendor no longer supports the product
%
Tech support excuse #97:
Small animal kamikaze attack on power supplies
%
Tech support excuse #98:
The vendor put the bug there.
%
Tech support excuse #99:
SIMM crosstalk.
%
Tech support excuse #100:
IRQ dropout
%
Tech support excuse #101:
Collapsed Backbone
%
Tech support excuse #102:
Power company testing new voltage spike (creation) equipment
%
Tech support excuse #103:
operators on strike due to broken coffee machine
%
Tech support excuse #104:
backup tape overwritten with copy of system manager's favourite CD
%
Tech support excuse #105:
UPS interrupted the server's power
%
Tech support excuse #106:
The electrician didn't know what the yellow cable was so he yanked the ethernet out.
%
Tech support excuse #107:
The keyboard isn't plugged in
%
Tech support excuse #108:
The air conditioning water supply pipe ruptured over the machine room
%
Tech support excuse #109:
The electricity substation in the car park blew up.
%
Tech support excuse #110:
The rolling stones concert down the road caused a brown out
%
Tech support excuse #111:
The salesman drove over the CPU board.
%
Tech support excuse #112:
The monitor is plugged into the serial port
%
Tech support excuse #113:
Root nameservers are out of sync
%
Tech support excuse #114:
electro-magnetic pulses from French above ground nuke testing.
%
Tech support excuse #115:
your keyboard's space bar is generating spurious keycodes.
%
Tech support excuse #116:
the real ttys became pseudo ttys and vice-versa.
%
Tech support excuse #117:
the printer thinks its a router.
%
Tech support excuse #118:
the router thinks its a printer.
%
Tech support excuse #119:
evil hackers from Serbia.
%
Tech support excuse #120:
we just switched to FDDI.
%
Tech support excuse #121:
halon system went off and killed the operators.
%
Tech support excuse #122:
because Bill Gates is a Jehovah's witness and so nothing can work on St. Swithin's day.
%
Tech support excuse #123:
user to computer ratio too high.
%
Tech support excuse #124:
user to computer ration too low.
%
Tech support excuse #125:
we just switched to Sprint.
%
Tech support excuse #126:
it has Intel Inside
%
Tech support excuse #127:
Sticky bits on disk.
%
Tech support excuse #128:
Power Company having EMP problems with their reactor
%
Tech support excuse #129:
The ring needs another token
%
Tech support excuse #130:
new management
%
Tech support excuse #131:
telnet: Unable to connect to remote host: Connection refused
%
Tech support excuse #132:
SCSI Chain overterminated
%
Tech support excuse #133:
It's not plugged in.
%
Tech support excuse #134:
because of network lag due to too many people playing deathmatch
%
Tech support excuse #135:
You put the disk in upside down.
%
Tech support excuse #136:
Daemons loose in system.
%
Tech support excuse #137:
User was distributing pirated software on server; system seized by FBI.
%
Tech support excuse #138:
BNC (brain not  (user brain not connected)
%
Tech support excuse #139:
UBNC (user brain not connected)
%
Tech support excuse #140:
LBNC (luser brain not connected)
%
Tech support excuse #141:
disks spinning backwards - toggle the hemisphere jumper.
%
Tech support excuse #142:
new guy cross-connected phone lines with ac power bus.
%
Tech support excuse #143:
had to use hammer to free stuck disk drive heads.
%
Tech support excuse #144:
Too few computrons available.
%
Tech support excuse #145:
Flat tire on station wagon with tapes.  ("Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway" Andrew S. Tanenbaum) 
%
Tech support excuse #146:
Communications satellite used by the military for star wars.
%
Tech support excuse #147:
Party-bug in the Aloha protocol.
%
Tech support excuse #148:
Insert coin for new game
%
Tech support excuse #149:
Dew on the telephone lines.
%
Tech support excuse #150:
Arcserve crashed the server again.
%
Tech support excuse #151:
Some one needed the powerstrip, so they pulled the switch plug.
%
Tech support excuse #152:
My pony-tail hit the on/off switch on the power strip.
%
Tech support excuse #153:
Big to little endian conversion error
%
Tech support excuse #154:
You can tune a file system, but you can't tune a fish (from most tunefs man pages)
%
Tech support excuse #155:
Dumb terminal
%
Tech support excuse #156:
Zombie processes haunting the computer
%
Tech support excuse #157:
Incorrect time syncronization
%
Tech support excuse #158:
Defunct processes
%
Tech support excuse #159:
Stubborn processes
%
Tech support excuse #160:
non-redundant fan failure 
%
Tech support excuse #161:
monitor VLF leakage
%
Tech support excuse #162:
bugs in the RAID
%
Tech support excuse #163:
no "any" key on keyboard
%
Tech support excuse #164:
root rot
%
Tech support excuse #165:
Backbone Scoliosis
%
Tech support excuse #166:
/pub/lunch
%
Tech support excuse #167:
excessive collisions & not enough packet ambulances
%
Tech support excuse #168:
le0: no carrier: transceiver cable problem?
%
Tech support excuse #169:
broadcast packets on wrong frequency
%
Tech support excuse #170:
popper unable to process jumbo kernel
%
Tech support excuse #171:
NOTICE: alloc: /dev/null: filesystem full
%
Tech support excuse #172:
pseudo-user on a pseudo-terminal
%
Tech support excuse #173:
Recursive traversal of loopback mount points
%
Tech support excuse #174:
Backbone adjustment
%
Tech support excuse #175:
OS swapped to disk
%
Tech support excuse #176:
vapors from evaporating sticky-note adhesives
%
Tech support excuse #177:
sticktion
%
Tech support excuse #178:
short leg on process table
%
Tech support excuse #179:
multicasts on broken packets
%
Tech support excuse #180:
ether leak
%
Tech support excuse #181:
Atilla the Hub
%
Tech support excuse #182:
endothermal recalibration
%
Tech support excuse #183:
filesystem not big enough for Jumbo Kernel Patch
%
Tech support excuse #184:
loop found in loop in redundant loopback
%
Tech support excuse #185:
system consumed all the paper for paging
%
Tech support excuse #186:
permission denied
%
Tech support excuse #187:
Reformatting Page. Wait...
%
Tech support excuse #188:
..disk or the processor is on fire.
%
Tech support excuse #189:
SCSI's too wide.
%
Tech support excuse #190:
Proprietary Information.
%
Tech support excuse #191:
Just type 'mv * /dev/null'.
%
Tech support excuse #192:
runaway cat on system.
%
Tech support excuse #193:
Did you pay the new Support Fee?
%
Tech support excuse #194:
We only support a 1200 bps connection.
%
Tech support excuse #195:
We only support a 28000 bps connection.
%
Tech support excuse #196:
Me no internet, only janitor, me just wax floors.
%
Tech support excuse #197:
I'm sorry a pentium won't do, you need an SGI to connect with us.
%
Tech support excuse #198:
Post-it Note Sludge leaked into the monitor.
%
Tech support excuse #199:
the curls in your keyboard cord are losing electricity.
%
Tech support excuse #200:
The monitor needs another box of pixels.
%
Tech support excuse #201:
RPC_PMAP_FAILURE
%
Tech support excuse #202:
kernel panic: write-only-memory (/dev/wom0) capacity exceeded.
%
Tech support excuse #203:
Write-only-memory subsystem too slow for this machine. Contact your local dealer.
%
Tech support excuse #204:
Just pick up the phone and give modem connect sounds. "Well you said we should get more lines so we don't have voice lines."
%
Tech support excuse #205:
Quantum dynamics are affecting the transistors
%
Tech support excuse #206:
Police are examining all internet packets in the search for a narco-net-traficer
%
Tech support excuse #207:
We are currently trying a new concept of using a live mouse.  Unfortuantely, one has yet to survive being hooked up to the computer.....please bear with us.
%
Tech support excuse #208:
Your mail is being routed through Germany ... and they're censoring us.
%
Tech support excuse #209:
Only people with names beginning with 'A' are getting mail this week (a la Microsoft)
%
Tech support excuse #210:
We didn't pay the Internet bill and it's been cut off.
%
Tech support excuse #211:
Lightning strikes.
%
Tech support excuse #212:
Of course it doesn't work. We've performed a software upgrade.
%
Tech support excuse #213:
Change your language to Finnish.
%
Tech support excuse #214:
Flourescent lights are generating negative ions. If turning them off doesn't work, take them out and put tin foil on the ends.
%
Tech support excuse #215:
High nuclear activity in your area.
%
Tech support excuse #216:
What office are you in? Oh, that one.  Did you know that your building was built over the universities first nuclear research site? And wow, are'nt you the lucky one, your office is right over where the core is buried!
%
Tech support excuse #217:
The MGs ran out of gas.
%
Tech support excuse #218:
The UPS doesn't have a battery backup.
%
Tech support excuse #219:
Recursivity.  Call back if it happens again.
%
Tech support excuse #220:
Someone thought The Big Red Button was a light switch.
%
Tech support excuse #221:
The mainframe needs to rest.  It's getting old, you know.
%
Tech support excuse #222:
I'm not sure.  Try calling the Internet's head office -- it's in the book.
%
Tech support excuse #223:
The lines are all busy (busied out, that is -- why let them in to begin with?).
%
Tech support excuse #224:
Jan  9 16:41:27 huber su: 'su root' succeeded for .... on /dev/pts/1
%
Tech support excuse #225:
It's those computer people in X {city of world}.  They keep stuffing things up.
%
Tech support excuse #226:
A star wars satellite accidently blew up the WAN.
%
Tech support excuse #227:
Fatal error right in front of screen
%
Tech support excuse #228:
That function is not currently supported, but Bill Gates assures us it will be featured in the next upgrade.
%
Tech support excuse #229:
wrong polarity of neutron flow
%
Tech support excuse #230:
Lusers learning curve appears to be fractal
%
Tech support excuse #231:
We had to turn off that service to comply with the CDA Bill.
%
Tech support excuse #232:
Ionisation from the air-conditioning
%
Tech support excuse #233:
TCP/IP UDP alarm threshold is set too low.
%
Tech support excuse #234:
Someone is broadcasting pigmy packets and the router dosn't know how to deal with them.
%
Tech support excuse #235:
The new frame relay network hasn't bedded down the software loop transmitter yet. 
%
Tech support excuse #236:
Fanout dropping voltage too much, try cutting some of those little traces
%
Tech support excuse #237:
Plate voltage too low on demodulator tube
%
Tech support excuse #238:
You did wha... oh _dear_....
%
Tech support excuse #239:
CPU needs bearings repacked
%
Tech support excuse #240:
Too many little pins on CPU confusing it, bend back and forth until 10-20% are neatly removed. Do _not_ leave metal bits visible!
%
Tech support excuse #241:
_Rosin_ core solder? But...
%
Tech support excuse #242:
Software uses US measurements, but the OS is in metric...
%
Tech support excuse #243:
The computer fletely, mouse and all.
%
Tech support excuse #244:
Your cat tried to eat the mouse.
%
Tech support excuse #245:
The Borg tried to assimilate your system. Resistance is futile.
%
Tech support excuse #246:
It must have been the lightning storm we had (yesterdy) (last week) (last month)
%
Tech support excuse #247:
Due to Federal Budget problems we have been forced to cut back on the number of users able to access the system at one time. (namely none allowed....)
%
Tech support excuse #248:
Too much radiation coming from the soil.
%
Tech support excuse #249:
Unfortunately we have run out of bits/bytes/whatever. Don't worry, the next supply will be coming next week.
%
Tech support excuse #250:
Program load too heavy for processor to lift.
%
Tech support excuse #251:
Processes running slowly due to weak power supply
%
Tech support excuse #252:
Our ISP is having {switching,routing,SMDS,frame relay} problems
%
Tech support excuse #253:
We've run out of licenses
%
Tech support excuse #254:
Interference from lunar radiation
%
Tech support excuse #255:
Standing room only on the bus.
%
Tech support excuse #256:
You need to install an RTFM interface.
%
Tech support excuse #257:
That would be because the software doesn't work.
%
Tech support excuse #258:
That's easy to fix, but I can't be bothered.
%
Tech support excuse #259:
Someone's tie is caught in the printer, and if anything else gets printed, he'll be in it too.
%
Tech support excuse #260:
We're upgrading /dev/null
%
Tech support excuse #261:
The Usenet news is out of date
%
Tech support excuse #262:
Our POP server was kidnapped by a weasel.
%
Tech support excuse #263:
It's stuck in the Web.
%
Tech support excuse #264:
Your modem doesn't speak English.
%
Tech support excuse #265:
The mouse escaped.
%
Tech support excuse #266:
All of the packets are empty.
%
Tech support excuse #267:
The UPS is on strike.
%
Tech support excuse #268:
Neutrino overload on the nameserver
%
Tech support excuse #269:
Melting hard drives
%
Tech support excuse #270:
Someone has messed up the kernel pointers
%
Tech support excuse #271:
The kernel license has expired
%
Tech support excuse #272:
Netscape has crashed
%
Tech support excuse #273:
The cord jumped over and hit the power switch.
%
Tech support excuse #274:
It was OK before you touched it.
%
Tech support excuse #275:
Bit rot
%
Tech support excuse #276:
U.S. Postal Service
%
Tech support excuse #277:
Your Flux Capacitor has gone bad.
%
Tech support excuse #278:
The Dilithium Cyrstals need to be rotated.
%
Tech support excuse #279:
The static electricity routing is acting up...
%
Tech support excuse #280:
Traceroute says that there is a routing problem in the backbone.  It's not our problem.
%
Tech support excuse #281:
The co-locator cannot verify the frame-relay gateway to the ISDN server.
%
Tech support excuse #282:
High altitude condensation from U.S.A.F prototype aircraft has contaminated the primary subnet mask. Turn off your computer for 9 days to avoid damaging it.
%
Tech support excuse #283:
Lawn mower blade in your fan need sharpening
%
Tech support excuse #284:
Electrons on a bender
%
Tech support excuse #285:
Telecommunications is upgrading. 
%
Tech support excuse #286:
Telecommunications is downgrading.
%
Tech support excuse #287:
Telecommunications is downshifting.
%
Tech support excuse #288:
Hard drive sleeping. Let it wake up on it's own...
%
Tech support excuse #289:
Interference between the keyboard and the chair.
%
Tech support excuse #290:
The CPU has shifted, and become decentralized.
%
Tech support excuse #291:
Due to the CDA, we no longer have a root account.
%
Tech support excuse #292:
We ran out of dial tone and we're and waiting for the phone company to deliver another bottle.
%
Tech support excuse #293:
You must've hit the wrong anykey.
%
Tech support excuse #294:
PCMCIA slave driver
%
Tech support excuse #295:
The Token fell out of the ring. Call us when you find it.
%
Tech support excuse #296:
The hardware bus needs a new token.
%
Tech support excuse #297:
Too many interrupts
%
Tech support excuse #298:
Not enough interrupts
%
Tech support excuse #299:
The data on your hard drive is out of balance.
%
Tech support excuse #300:
Digital Manipulator exceeding velocity parameters
%
Tech support excuse #301:
appears to be a Slow/Narrow SCSI-0 Interface problem
%
Tech support excuse #302:
microelectronic Riemannian curved-space fault in write-only file system
%
Tech support excuse #303:
fractal radiation jamming the backbone
%
Tech support excuse #304:
routing problems on the neural net
%
Tech support excuse #305:
IRQ-problems with the Un-Interruptable-Power-Supply
%
Tech support excuse #306:
CPU-angle has to be adjusted because of vibrations coming from the nearby road
%
Tech support excuse #307:
emissions from GSM-phones
%
Tech support excuse #308:
CD-ROM server needs recalibration
%
Tech support excuse #309:
firewall needs cooling
%
Tech support excuse #310:
asynchronous inode failure
%
Tech support excuse #311:
transient bus protocol violation
%
Tech support excuse #312:
incompatible bit-registration operators
%
Tech support excuse #313:
your process is not ISO 9000 compliant
%
Tech support excuse #314:
You need to upgrade your VESA local bus to a MasterCard local bus.
%
Tech support excuse #315:
The recent proliferation of Nuclear Testing
%
Tech support excuse #316:
Elves on strike. (Why do they call EMAG Elf Magic)
%
Tech support excuse #317:
Internet exceeded Luser level, please wait until a luser logs off before attempting to log back on.
%
Tech support excuse #318:
Your EMAIL is now being delivered by the USPS.
%
Tech support excuse #319:
Your computer hasn't been returning all the bits it gets from the Internet.
%
Tech support excuse #320:
You've been infected by the Telescoping Hubble virus.
%
Tech support excuse #321:
Scheduled global CPU outage
%
Tech support excuse #322:
Your Pentium has a heating problem - try cooling it with ice cold water.(Do not turn of your computer, you do not want to cool down the Pentium Chip while he isn't working, do you?)
%
Tech support excuse #323:
Your processor has processed too many intructions.  Turn it off emideately, do not type any commands!!
%
Tech support excuse #324:
Your packets were eaten by the terminator
%
Tech support excuse #325:
Your processor does not develop enough heat.
%
Tech support excuse #326:
We need a licensed electrician to replace the light bulbs in the computer room.
%
Tech support excuse #327:
The POP server is out of Coke
%
Tech support excuse #328:
Fiber optics caused gas main leak
%
Tech support excuse #329:
Server depressed, needs Prozak
%
Tech support excuse #330:
quatnum decoherence
%
Tech support excuse #331:
those damn racoons!
%
Tech support excuse #332:
suboptimal routing experience
%
Tech support excuse #333:
A plumber is needed, the network drain is clogged
%
Tech support excuse #334:
50% of the manual is in .pdf readme files
%
Tech support excuse #335:
the AA battery in the wallclock sends magnetic interference
%
Tech support excuse #336:
the xy axis in the trackball is coordinated with the summer soltice
%
Tech support excuse #337:
the butane lighter causes the pincushioning
%
Tech support excuse #338:
old inkjet cartridges emanate barium-based fumes
%
Tech support excuse #339:
manager in the cable duct
%
Tech support excuse #340:
Well fix that in the next (upgrade, update, patch release, service pack).
%
Tech support excuse #341:
HTTPD Error 666 : BOFH was here
%
Tech support excuse #342:
HTTPD Error 4004 : very old Intel cpu - insufficient processing power
%
Tech support excuse #343:
The ATM board has run out of 10 pound notes.  We are having a whip round to refill it, care to contribute ?
%
Tech support excuse #344:
Network failure -  call NBC
%
Tech support excuse #345:
Having to manually track the satellite.
%
Tech support excuse #346:
Your/our computer(s) had suffered a memory leak, and we are waiting for them to be topped up.
%
Tech support excuse #347:
The rubber band broke
%
Tech support excuse #348:
We're on Token Ring, and it looks like the token got loose.
%
Tech support excuse #349:
Stray Alpha Particles from memory packaging caused Hard Memory Error on Server.
%
Tech support excuse #350:
paradigm shift...without a clutch
%
Tech support excuse #351:
PEBKAC (Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair)
%
Tech support excuse #352:
The cables are not the same length.
%
Tech support excuse #353:
Second-sytem effect.
%
Tech support excuse #354:
Chewing gum on /dev/sd3c
%
Tech support excuse #355:
Boredom in the Kernel.
%
Tech support excuse #356:
the daemons! the daemons! the terrible daemons!
%
Tech support excuse #357:
I'd love to help you -- it's just that the Boss won't let me near the computer. 
%
Tech support excuse #358:
struck by the Good Times virus
%
Tech support excuse #359:
YOU HAVE AN I/O ERROR -> Incompetent Operator error
%
Tech support excuse #360:
Your parity check is overdrawn and you're out of cache.
%
Tech support excuse #361:
Communist revolutionaries taking over the server room and demanding all the computers in the building or they shoot the sysadmin. Poor misguided fools.
%
Tech support excuse #362:
Plasma conduit breach
%
Tech support excuse #363:
Out of cards on drive D:
%
Tech support excuse #364:
Sand fleas eating the Internet cables
%
Tech support excuse #365:
parallel processors running perpendicular today
%
Tech support excuse #366:
ATM cell has no roaming feature turned on, notebooks can't connect
%
Tech support excuse #367:
Webmasters kidnapped by evil cult.
%
Tech support excuse #368:
Failure to adjust for daylight savings time.
%
Tech support excuse #369:
Virus transmitted from computer to sysadmins.
%
Tech support excuse #370:
Virus due to computers using shared needles.
%
Tech support excuse #371:
Incorrectly configured static routes on the corerouters.
%
Tech support excuse #372:
Forced to support NT servers; sysadmins quit.
%
Tech support excuse #373:
Suspicious pointer corrupted virtual machine
%
Tech support excuse #374:
Its the InterNIC's fault.
%
Tech support excuse #375:
Root name servers corrupted.
%
Tech support excuse #376:
Budget cuts forced us to sell all the power cords for the servers.
%
Tech support excuse #377:
Someone hooked the twisted pair wires into the answering machine.
%
Tech support excuse #378:
Operators killed by year 2000 bug bite.
%
Tech support excuse #379:
We've picked COBOL as the language of choice.
%
Tech support excuse #380:
Operators killed when huge stack of backup tapes fell over.
%
Tech support excuse #381:
Robotic tape changer mistook operator's tie for a backup tape.
%
Tech support excuse #382:
Someone was smoking in the computer room and set off the halon systems.
%
Tech support excuse #383:
Your processor has taken a ride to Heaven's Gate on the UFO behind Hale-Bopp's comet.
%
Tech support excuse #384:
It's an ID-10-T error
%
Tech support excuse #385:
Dyslexics retyping hosts file on servers
%
Tech support excuse #386:
The Internet is being scanned for viruses.
%
Tech support excuse #387:
Your computer's union contract is set to expire at midnight.
%
Tech support excuse #388:
Bad user karma.
%
Tech support excuse #389:
/dev/clue was linked to /dev/null
%
Tech support excuse #390:
Increased sunspot activity.
%
Tech support excuse #391:
We already sent around a notice about that.
%
Tech support excuse #392:
It's union rules. There's nothing we can do about it. Sorry.
%
Tech support excuse #393:
Interferance from the Van Allen Belt.
%
Tech support excuse #394:
Jupiter is aligned with Mars.
%
Tech support excuse #395:
Redundant ACLs. 
%
Tech support excuse #396:
Mail server hit by UniSpammer.
%
Tech support excuse #397:
T-1's congested due to MP3 traffic to the news server.
%
Tech support excuse #398:
Data for intranet got routed through the extranet and landed on the internet.
%
Tech support excuse #399:
We are a 100% Microsoft Shop.
%
Tech support excuse #400:
We are Microsoft.  What you are experiencing is not a problem; it is an undocumented feature.
%
Tech support excuse #401:
Sales staff sold a product we don't offer.
%
Tech support excuse #402:
Secretary sent chain letter to all 5000 employees.
%
Tech support excuse #403:
Sysadmin didn't hear pager go off due to loud music from bar-room speakers.
%
Tech support excuse #404:
Sysadmin accidentally destroyed pager with a large hammer.
%
Tech support excuse #405:
Sysadmins unavailable because they are in a meeting talking about why they are unavailable so much.
%
Tech support excuse #406:
Bad cafeteria food landed all the sysadmins in the hospital.
%
Tech support excuse #407:
Route flapping at the NAP.
%
Tech support excuse #408:
Computers under water due to SYN flooding.
%
Tech support excuse #409:
The vulcan-death-grip ping has been applied.
%
Tech support excuse #410:
Electrical conduits in machine room are melting.
%
Tech support excuse #411:
Traffic jam on the Information Superhighway.
%
Tech support excuse #412:
Radial Telemetry Infiltration
%
Tech support excuse #413:
Cow-tippers tipped a cow onto the server.
%
Tech support excuse #414:
tachyon emissions overloading the system
%
Tech support excuse #415:
Maintence window broken
%
Tech support excuse #416:
We're out of slots on the server
%
Tech support excuse #417:
Computer room being moved.  Our systems are down for the weekend.
%
Tech support excuse #418:
Sysadmins busy fighting SPAM.
%
Tech support excuse #419:
Repeated reboots of the system failed to solve problem
%
Tech support excuse #420:
Feature was not beta tested
%
Tech support excuse #421:
Domain controler not responding
%
Tech support excuse #422:
Someone else stole your IP address, call the Internet detectives!
%
Tech support excuse #423:
It's not RFC-822 compliant.
%
Tech support excuse #424:
operation failed because: there is no message for this error (#1014)
%
Tech support excuse #425:
stop bit received
%
Tech support excuse #426:
internet is needed to catch the etherbunny
%
Tech support excuse #427:
network down, IP packets delivered via UPS
%
Tech support excuse #428:
Firmware update in the coffee machine
%
Tech support excuse #429:
Temporal anomaly
%
Tech support excuse #430:
Mouse has out-of-cheese-error
%
Tech support excuse #431:
Borg implants are failing
%
Tech support excuse #432:
Borg nanites have infested the server
%
Tech support excuse #433:
error: one bad user found in front of screen
%
Tech support excuse #434:
Please state the nature of the technical emergency
%
Tech support excuse #435:
Internet shut down due to maintainance
%
Tech support excuse #436:
Daemon escaped from pentagram
%
Tech support excuse #437:
crop circles in the corn shell
%
Tech support excuse #438:
sticky bit has come loose
%
Tech support excuse #439:
Hot Java has gone cold
%
Tech support excuse #440:
Cache miss - please take better aim next time
%
Tech support excuse #441:
Hash table has woodworm
%
Tech support excuse #442:
Trojan horse ran out of hay
%
Tech support excuse #443:
Zombie processess detected, machine is haunted.
%
Tech support excuse #444:
overflow error in /dev/null
%
Tech support excuse #445:
Browser's cookie is corrupted -- someone's been nibbling on it.
%
Tech support excuse #446:
According to Microsoft, it's by design
%
Tech support excuse #447:
vi needs to be upgraded to vii
%