1A blind rabbit was hopping through the woods, tripping over logs and crashing into trees. At the same time, a blind snake was slithering through the same forest, with identical results. They chanced to collide head-on in a clearing. 2 "Please excuse me, sir, I'm blind and I bumped into you accidentally," apologized the rabbit. 3 "That's quite all right," replied the snake, "I have the same problem!" 4 "All my life I've been wondering what I am," said the rabbit, "Do you think you could help me find out?" 5 "I'll try," said the snake. He gently coiled himself around the rabbit. "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have a little fluffy tail and long ears. You're... hmmm... you're probably a bunny rabbit!" 6 "Great!" said the rabbit. "Thanks, I really owe you one!" 7 "Well," replied the snake, "I don't know what I am, either. Do you suppose you could try and tell me?" 8 The rabbit ran his paws all over the snake. "Well, you're low, cold and slimey..." And, as he ran one paw underneath the snake, "and you have no balls. You must be an attorney!" 9% 10A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot. 11 Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business. The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out, silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could go on to the kitty afterworld complete. 12 Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't. You know the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM." 13% 14A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. 15 -- Ben Franklin 16% 17A doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks. "Professional courtesy," he explained. 18% 19A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them." 20% 21A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates lawyers more than he hates his wife. 22% 23 A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2. 24 The housewife replied, "Four!". 25 The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spread sheet one more time." 26 The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?" 27% 28A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. 29 -- Robert Frost 30% 31 A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. 32 "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer'', if that would be okay." 33 "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer. 34 "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!" 35% 36A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional ability in that particular field." 37% 38 A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional ability in that particular field." 39% 40 A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?". 41 "Sure do," replied the bartender. 42 "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator." 43% 44 A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them. 45% 46A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion. 47% 48A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized rosewater. 49% 50A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two. 51% 52According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of the returns." 53% 54According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least once a year. 55% 56After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of European comparative law. In Germany, under the law, everything is prohibited, except that which is permitted. In France, under the law, everything is permitted, except that which is prohibited. In the Soviet Union, under the law, everything is prohibited, including that which is permitted. And in Italy, under the law, everything is permitted, especially that which is prohibited. 57 -- Newton Minow, Speech to the Association of American Law Schools, 1985 58% 59 After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon to be created." 60 "This is true," He replied. 61 "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly. 62 "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the right to make his laws?" 63 "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make his own." 64 It was so granted. 65 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 66% 67An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment to a motion may not be amended. However, a substitute for an amendment to and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended. 68 -- The Montana legislature's contribution to the English language. 69% 70An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border. Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..." 71% 72An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!" 73% 74And then there was the lawyer that stepped in cow manure and thought he was melting... 75% 76Another day, another dollar. 77 -- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley, 78 upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald 79 Reagan. 80% 81Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude. 82% 83Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp. 84% 85Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many suspects who are innocent of a crime. That's contradictory. If a person is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect." 86 -- U.S. News and World Report, 10/14/85 87% 88Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse the issue afterwards. 89% 90Behold the warranty -- the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away. 91% 92Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges. 93 -- Beyond the Fringe 94% 95Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree. 96% 97... but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value. 98 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 99% 100Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and trousers that don't match. 101% 102Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts (unground) (other than ground nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground)." 103 -- Guiness Book of World Records, 1973 104% 105Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire. 106% 107Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone asked him, after a few days. "Not too bad", replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern." 108% 109District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any damage inflicted on the vehicle. 110% 111Divorce is a game played by lawyers. 112 -- Cary Grant 113% 114Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives. 115 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr. 116% 117Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North Carolina. 118% 119First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer. But the southeast Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all: Dial-A-Wombat. 120 121It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said. Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk. But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth. The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub. 122 Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in another phone booth. There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth. The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and released it, too, in the scrub. But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat. After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect, and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons. Their problem: they cannot find a law against placing wombats in telephone booths. 123 -- "Newcastle Morning Herald", NSW Australia, Aug 1980. 124% 125Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive as that in support of an affirmative. 126 -- 254 Pac. Rep. 472. 127% 128Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it seems to us that someone has been very careless. 129 -- 78 So. 365. 130% 131Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky): 132 No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses. 133% 134Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan. 135 136DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are having to artificially propagate oysters and clams. 137HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters? 138DINGELL: They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is that female oysters through their living habits cast out large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of fertilization ... 139HOFFMAN: Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many teenagers who read The Congressional Record. 140% 141Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19: 142 143Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? 144A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. 145% 146Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29: 147 148THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any ... 149% 150Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37: 151 152Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears? 153A: No. 154Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears? 155A: Picking them up in the air. 156Q: Where was the dog at this time? 157A: Attached to the ears. 158% 159Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3: 160 161Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station? 162MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. 163% 164Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41: 165 166Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? 167A: By death. 168Q: And by whose death was it terminated? 169% 170Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52: 171 172Q: What is your name? 173A: Ernestine McDowell. 174Q: And what is your marital status? 175A: Fair. 176% 177Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7: 178 179Q: What happened then? 180A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me." 181Q: Did he kill you? 182A: No. 183% 184Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a policeman's tie. 185% 186Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked out of the Book-of-the-Month Club. 187 -- Melvin Belli on the occcasion of his getting kicked out of the American Bar Association 188% 189God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?" 190% 191Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders. 192 -- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune" 193% 194He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides. 195% 196"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you probably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser. "Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'" 197 -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering" 198% 199 Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa. 200% 201How do you insult a lawyer? 202 You might as well not even try. Consider: of all the highly trained and educated professions, law is the only one in which the prime lesson is that *winning* is more important than *truth*. 203 Once someone has sunk to that level, what worse can you say about them? 204% 205HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill. The original Senate amendment was the conference agreement on the bill. Agreed to. 206 -- Albuquerque Journal 207% 208Humor in the Court: 209 210Q: Do you drink when you're on duty? 211A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk. 212% 213Humor in the Court: 214 215Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to? 216A. Oral. 217Q. How old are you? 218A. Oral. 219% 220Humor in the Court: 221 222Q. And who is this person you are speaking of? 223A. My ex-widow said it. 224% 225Humor in the Court: 226 227Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York? 228A. I refuse to answer that question. 229Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago? 230A. I refuse to answer that question. 231Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami? 232A. No. 233% 234Humor in the Court: 235 236Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? 237A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. 238% 239Humor in the Court: 240 241Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? 242A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work. 243% 244Humor in the Court: 245 246Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable? 247A. I should be. 248Q. How many times have you comitted suicide? 249A. Four times. 250% 251Humor in the Court: 252 253Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence? 254A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words. 255% 256Humor in the Court: 257 258Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased? 259A. Yes, sir. 260Q. Before or after he died? 261% 262Humor in the Court: 263 264Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you? 265A: Yes, sir. 266Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right? 267% 268Humor in the Court: 269 270Q: ...and what did he do then? 271A: He came home, and next morning he was dead. 272Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead? 273% 274Humor in the Court: 275 276Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial? 277A: The victim lived. 278% 279Humor in the Court: 280 281Q: Could you see him from where you were standing? 282A: I could see his head. 283Q: And where was his head? 284A: Just above his shoulders. 285% 286Humor in the Court: 287 288Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities? 289A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture. 290% 291Humor in the Court: 292 293Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim? 294% 295Humor in the Court: 296 297Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp? 298A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital. 299Q: It was covered? 300A: Yes, bandaged. 301Q: Then, later on.. what did you see? 302A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head. 303% 304Humor in the Court: 305 306Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas? 307A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval. 308% 309Humor in the Court: 310 311Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff? 312A: She is my daughter. 313Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979? 314% 315I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head. 316 -- Fratianno 317% 318I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole. 319 -- Leo Kessler 320% 321I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving are worth considering, to wit: 322 323[110.13]: "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not to interfere with oncoming traffic." 324 325[22.17b]: "Learning to change lanes takes time and patience. The best recommendation that can be made is to go to a Celtics [basketball] game; study the fast break and then go out and practice it on the highway." 326 327[41.16]: "Never bump a baby carriage out of a crosswalk unless the kid's really asking for it." 328% 329I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving are worth considering, to wit: 330 331[131.16d]: "Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making a U-turn on a divided highway." 332 333[96.7b]: "When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are traveling more than 60 MPH." 334 335[110.13]: "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not to interfere with oncoming traffic." 336% 337I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving are worth considering, to wit: 338 339[173.15b]: "When competing for a section of road or a parking space, remember that the vehicle in need of the most body work has the right-of-way." 340 341[141.2a]: "Although it is altogether possible to fit a 6' car into a 6' parking space, it is hardly ever possible to fit a 6' car into a 5' parking space." 342 343[105.31]: "Teenage drivers believe that they are immortal, and drive accordingly. Nevertheless, you should avoid the temptation to prove them wrong." 344% 345I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier in the summer. 346 -- Brendan Behan 347% 348Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. 349% 350If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty. 351 -- Joseph C. Goulden 352% 353If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life. 354 -- Charles Darling, "Scintillae Juris, 1877 355% 356"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination." 357 -- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859) 358% 359If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers. 360 -- Tom Wicker 361% 362If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers. 363 -- Michael Levin, "The Socratic Method 364% 365 In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc. Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News, Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts. Lawyers and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure out how the pie gets divided. Neither profession provides any added value to product." 366 According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has 10 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population. The U.S. has 200 lawyers and 700 accountants. This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack." Could Dick Butcher have been an efficiency expert? 367 -- Motor Trend, May 1983 368% 369In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public. 370% 371In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs. 372% 373In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order to get her attention. 374% 375In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride in any motor vehicle. 376% 377In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor. 378% 379In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset. 380% 381In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on the sidewalks when a concert is on. 382% 383In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your pocket. 384% 385In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while either flying or waiting to board a plane. 386% 387 In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians. 388% 389In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00. 390% 391In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane. 392% 393In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public view." 394% 395In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length. 396% 397In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a moving automobile. 398% 399In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you. 400 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 401% 402In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without the supervision of a licensed engineer. 403% 404In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months. 405% 406It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide. 407 -- Edmond About 408% 409It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of Urbana, Illinois. 410% 411It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time. 412% 413It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia. 414% 415It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our offense consists in doubting it. 416 -- Justice Robert H. Jackson 417% 418It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone. 419% 420It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross the United States. After forty hours in the air, George turned to Harry, and said, "Harry, I think we've drifted off course! We need to find out where we are." Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the cloud cover. Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man standing below them and yells out, "Excuse me! Can you please tell me where we are?" The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, approximately fifty feet in the air!" George turns to Harry and says, "Well, that man *must* be a lawyer". Replies Harry, "How can you tell?". "Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless!" That's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer". 421% 422It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the municipality. 423 -- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio 424% 425It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse. 426% 427It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys. Seems that there are not only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached. The only difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental results to humans. 428 [Also, there are some things even a rat won't do. Ed.] 429% 430Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash. 431 -- P.G. Wodehouse, "Louder and Funnier" 432% 433Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty! 434% 435Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to wear tail lights. 436% 437Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through any of its streets. 438% 439Know how to save 5 drowning lawyers? -- No? GOOD! 440% 441Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made. 442 -- Otto von Bismarck 443% 444Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907: 445 "Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he can." 446% 447Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order. 448% 449Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as Mental Anguish. You would sue: * The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls in there". * The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious cretin like yourself. * Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you a large cash settlement anyway. 450 -- Dave Barry 451% 452... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and legally ... impeccable! 453% 454Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in Halstead, Kansas. 455% 456Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves. 457 -- Lenny Bruce 458% 459Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something sacred, or at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments. 460% 461Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however. 462% 463Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a law against it by that time. 464% 465NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle. 466% 467New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe. 468% 469Of *course* it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a fake? 470% 471 Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train demolished an automobile and its occupants. Being the chief witness, his testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark, and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid no attention to the signal. 472 The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said, "I was afraid you would waver under testimony." 473 "No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit." 474% 475Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind the railroad yards." 476 -- H.L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan, counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925. 477% 478... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself. 479 -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!" 480% 481Pittsburgh driver's test 482 483(10) Potholes are 484 (a) extremely dangerous. 485 (b) patriotic. 486 (c) the fault of the previous administration. 487 (d) all going to be fixed next summer. 488 489The correct answer is (b). Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes are larger than the cars. If you drive a big, patriotic, American car you have nothing to worry about. 490% 491Pittsburgh driver's test 492 493(2) A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should 494 (a) stop immediately. 495 (b) proceed slowly through the intersection. 496 (c) blow the horn. 497 (d) floor it. 498 499The correct answer is (d). If you said (c), you were almost right, so give yourself a half point. 500% 501Pittsburgh driver's test 502 503(3) When stopped at an intersection you should 504 (a) watch the traffic light for your lane. 505 (b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street. 506 (c) blow the horn. 507 (d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street. 508 509The correct answer is (d). You need to start as soon as the traffic light for the intersecting street turns yellow. Answer (c) is worth a half point. 510% 511Pittsburgh driver's test 512 513(4) Exhaust gas is 514 (a) beneficial. 515 (b) not harmful. 516 (c) toxic. 517 (d) a punk band. 518 519The correct answer is (b). The meddling Washington eco-freak communist bureaucrats who say otherwise are liars. (Message to those who answered (d). Go back to California where you came from. Your kind are not welcome here.) 520% 521Pittsburgh driver's test 522 523(5) Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment. How often should you test it? 524 (a) once a year. 525 (b) once a month. 526 (c) once a day. 527 (d) once an hour. 528 529The correct answer is (d). You should test your car's horn at least once every hour, and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods. 530% 531Pittsburgh Driver's Test 532 533(7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light but a steady left tail light. This means 534 (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn 535 to call the problem to the driver's attention. 536 (b) the driver is signaling a right turn. 537 (c) the driver is signaling a left turn. 538 (d) the driver is from out of town. 539 540The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns. 541% 542Pittsburgh Driver's Test 543 544(8) Pedestrians are 545 (a) irrelevant. 546 (b) communists. 547 (c) a nuisance. 548 (d) difficult to clean off the front grille. 549 550The correct answer is (a). Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely. 551% 552Pittsburgh driver's test 553 554(9) Roads are salted in order to 555 (a) kill grass. 556 (b) melt snow. 557 (c) help the economy. 558 (d) prevent potholes. 559 560The correct answer is (c). Road salting employs thousands of persons directly, and millions more indirectly, for example, salt miners and rustproofers. Most important, salting reduces the life spans of cars, thus stimulating the car and steel industries. 561% 562She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook. 563 -- Tommy Manville 564% 565Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee. 566 -- Terry Southern 567% 568Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer. 569 -- Montesquieu 570% 571Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession. 572% 573The animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neither doctors nor lawyers. 574 -- L. Docquier 575% 576 The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock. 577% 578The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards, specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of rise per foot of run. A compromise, I imagine... 579% 580The difference between a lawyer and a rooster is that the rooster gets up in the morning and clucks defiance. 581% 582The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets. 583% 584 The judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he was caught again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow. 585% 586The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionable debate concerning restoring America's "competitiveness." Drugs, it has been revealed, are responsible for rampant absenteeism, reduced output, and poor quality work. But is drug testing in fact rationally related to the resurrection of competitiveness? Will charging the atmosphere of the workplace with the fear of excretory betrayal honestly spur productivity? Much noise has been made about rehabilitating the worker using drugs, but to date the vast majority of programs end with the simple firing or the not hiring of the abuser. This practice may exacerbate, not alleviate, the nation's productivity problem. If economic rehabilitation is the ultimate goal of drug testing, then criteria abandoning the rehabilitation of the drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization. 587 -- The concluding paragraph of "Constitutional Law: The ourth Amendment and Drug Testing in the Workplace," Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol. 10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768. 588% 589The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread. 590 -- Anatole France 591% 592The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own. 593 -- H.G. Wells 594% 595The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. 596 -- H. L. Mencken 597% 598The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people. 599 -- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights) 600% 601The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough voters to win the next election. 602% 603The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub. 604% 605The Worst Jury 606 A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the remotest clue what was happening. 607 The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any evidence at all and, when there was no reply, dismissed him. 608 The excitement which this caused was only equalled when a second juror revealed that he spoke not a word of English. A fluent French speaker, he exhibited great surprised when told, after two days, that he was hearing a murder trial. 609 The trial was abandoned when a third juror said that he suffered from both conditions, being simultaneously unversed in the English language and nearly as deaf as the first juror. 610 The judge ordered a retrial. 611 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 612% 613There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs tied during the month of April. 614% 615There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law. No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth. 616 -- Jean Giraudoux, "Tiger at the Gates" 617% 618There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.' 619 -- Michael Lara 620% 621"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial." 622 -- David Letterman 623% 624There's no justice in this world. 625 -- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano by 626 New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after Luciano had 627 saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch Schultz (by ordering 628 the assassination of Schultz instead) 629% 630This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly may be required. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. May be too intense for some viewers. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Your cancelled check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Driver does not carry cash. Limited time offer, call now to insure prompt delivery. Use only in well-ventilated area. Keep away from fire or flame. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes, dealer prep, or delivery. Penalty for private use. Call toll free before digging. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. All models over 18 years of age. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Apply only to affected area. One size fits all. Many suitcases look alike. Edited for television. No solicitors. Reproduction strictly prohibited. Restaurant package, not for resale. Objects in mirror are closer than they appear. Decision of judges is final. This supersedes all previous notices. No other warranty expressed or implied. 631% 632Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the yard. 633% 634We may not like doctors, but at least they doctor. Bankers are not ever popular but at least they bank. Policeman police and undertakers take under. But lawyers do not give us law. We receive not the gladsome light of jurisprudence, but rather precedents, objections, appeals, stays, filings and forms, motions and counter-motions, all at $250 an hour. 635 -- Nolo News, summer 1989 636% 637We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule, states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals. These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country. 638 -- Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warner 639% 640Welcome to Utah. If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear! 641% 642What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand. 643% 644When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him. Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay your generosity of spirit by suing you for causing his subsequent paraplegia and seek to force you to support him for the rest of his rotten life. In court he will plead that he was depressed because society had failed him, and that he was looking for Mother Teresa for comfort and to offer his services to the poor. In that lawsuit, you will lose. If, on the other hand, you kill him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your story; forget Mother Teresa. Second, even if you lose, how much could the bum's life be worth anyway? A Lot less than 50 years worth of paralysis. Don't play George Bush and Saddam Hussein. Finish the job. 645 -- G. Gordon Liddy's "Forbes" column on personal security 646% 647Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat. 648 -- Christopher Morley 649% 650Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away? 651 -- Carl Sandburg 652% 653Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have more lawyers? New Jersey had first choice. 654% 655With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke. 656 -- Will Rogers 657